You know how sometimes you get that strange feeling? It’s a feeling you can’t explain. You’re not sure if you’re nervous, apprehensive, scared or just lost in an experience.
I remember the day before my last heart surgery. It was a sudden decision and need for the surgery to take place, so less than 24 hours notice from being told, until the scalpel came out.
But on that last day, I had a procession of people come through the ward wanting to wish me well. I might have shared with you before that it was a great day under the circumstances. All I got to see was smiling faces (except my Uncle Jack who looked really sad – I’ll never forget that look on his face) and there was a great energy in the room. At one stage, it seemed like I should have ordered some pizza and beers and got the mirror ball spinning!
But when everyone left, there I was. Alone.
I had a few things I needed to do, like remove all the hair on my body from the neck to the knees (you find hair in some weird places!) and the nurses were in and out a little bit checking in on me, but mostly, there I was, contemplating that this could be my last night on earth.
Please don’t think I am being dramatic when I write that. The surgeon basically said he wasn’t confident that the surgery was going to work.
I had a night with that strange feeling. Laying there wondering if I should sleep because it would help my surgery, but not wanting to sleep, because it would bring on the inevitable.
I was being distracted by my mate Paul via SMS. Just the usual dumb crap backwards and forwards no doubt, and he was to tell me later that we were both just avoiding the subject of what was to come. But it kept me in the now.
Yeah – that weird feeling. That goes down as one of the biggest experiences of that for me.
Two days ago, we put our “mans best friend” Todd to sleep. He was very sick and it was his time after a lovely, long life.
That strange feeling has come back. The house feels weird. The energy has changed. We’re all wandering around knowing it’s different and Abbey, our other dog, is really very sad.
No more tap tap tap of his feet on the floorboards. Not two sets of eyes watching your every move, no tail wagging (thumping) the second you enter a room. That strange feeling.
That strange feeling passes. When the situation changes. When you look at what’s happening with a new perspective. When you notice success in what you’ve been through.
When you live through it, you get to smile again.
And remember, everything is ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.
With hearty thanks for reading,
That Heart Guy